I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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