apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
