i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
