Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
