The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize