Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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