watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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