I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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