it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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