I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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