I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
