I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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