Jerry, you need to find god
I met the friendliest cop last night
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
