who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
