Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
