just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Shame is for Republicans.
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