A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
