listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize