a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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