i permit you to call me
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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