I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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