My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
