my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
