Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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