i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
