I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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