I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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