i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
