do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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