Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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