I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
