I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
