It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
