i think my tv is drunk
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
not ubering you a puppy
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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