even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
