Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
did you just send me my own nude
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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