if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
