Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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