I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
