WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
