Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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