I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
