I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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