you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
