Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
