i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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