im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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