Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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