My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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