i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
