Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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