cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
