On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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