I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
