i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
