I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
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