believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
